EDITOR'S NOTE: BRAVE NEW WATERS
My world is wonderful and brave and terrifying. New days are new mountains and dark valleys with shadows. Wonderful, brave and terrifying shadows. Doubt, fear, low self-esteem and so much more shadow casting negatives routinely plagued my mind growing up. I constantly questioned myself asking if I were too black, too chatty, too giggly, too girly, too smart… terrifying myself each day I lived. The thing is, as a child I was sufficiently extroverted, despite coming from a family majorly made up of introverts. As a to-be Jamaican man I was taught that strong silence was masculine, and to ensure that in breaking my silence I should speak strong and definitively. Having made myself into the man I am today, I can confidently say that being closed off, silent yet stern are not qualities I aspire to hone. Not to speak as though I’m exactly where I want to be as a person, but good lord I’m so much farther along than I was at the beginning of summer.
Having assessed the people that I had more recently befriended and being honest about our dynamic, I was painfully disappointed in myself. In pursuit of discovering my more open and non-judgmental self I ended up losing so much of my character that I’ve now come to realize I really really liked. From simple settlements to colossal compromises, after a vibrant evening with some divine cannabis and much needed soul-searching, I was sure I couldn’t continue living like that. Knowing how hard I had to work and is still working to better myself, my business and the lives of anybody I come in contact with, curating my mental and physical environment was an essential and worthy sacrifice. That and understanding how fickle life is, I was confident in the life changing decisions I was preparing to make.
At first I was concerned with having to explain to everybody where I’m at just so as to not shock anyone with my new behavior. But, after practicing my new approach at life and all things, I realized that I don’t owe anybody an explanation who’s not conscious enough to see and is willing to ask about my new journey. Truth is, coming into summer I realized we (the people I know and is surrounded by) were all going through some shit. Losing loved ones and or jobs, recovering from illnesses and heartbreaks or being totally lost and confused by our lives… we were all going through it, all riding the high and jubilant tides into summer 2016. Knowing that, I didn’t and still don’t blame anyone for anything. Heavy is the head that wears the crown and today my neck may hurt but I’m standing uprightly and firmly in my decisions and actions. Standing up for myself, demanding what I deserve and living with it.
Taking a few steps back to remember my best self allowed me to catapult myself a thousand steps forward into a higher consciousness. I’m still very much the fast talking, carefree extrovert that I always was, but I’m now also more conscious, centered, calculated, prepared and at peace. Reaching this level of spiritual and personal freedom opened my beady eyes to just how simple and uncomplicated life can and should be. I was always of the belief that at anytime one may turn around and change his/her life no matter how deeply rooted in it they may be. That’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m so confident and happy with the person that I am and extremely excited for the person I’m growing into, that there’s no way I can allow myself to regret. To regret the friends I unfriended, the contracts I terminated or any other thing or person I’ve removed from my world.
My world that is now even more wonderful, brave and terrifying. But this is me, vibrant, confident, smart and full of gravitas at almost 24 years old being brave, wonderful and terrified.
Honesty Is the Greatest Fidelity.
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