SUMMER TOAST 2017, THE DOG DAYS ARE OVER
I’m a positive person. In general I try to see the silver lining in every cloud, regardless of how dark and ominous they may appear. I’m also a very strong person. Notice my affirming use of language; I am vs I think I am. That’s because I’m coming from a place of confidence, knowledge and experience. Still no amount of confidence, knowledge or experience could have prepared me for the coming and passing of Summer 2017. July started how it should have, carelessly. I was in a different place but that was ok, it was summer. I fell, I flew and I circled around all month in random joys and stolen moments. Then it all came tumbling down. I found myself dating. It was fun and exhilarating and special… until it wasn’t. Calling it quits thrusted me through a tiny door into a large and unoccupied space. I’ve never quite felt that sort of absence of self before. For about nine days I felt the most insecure I’ve ever felt. In some funny way it wasn’t as if I was questioning my value based on the presumed intentions of the person I was dating or their feelings towards me. My insecurity was more so onset from the disappointment I felt in myself. I had allowed myself to abandon a few of my principles in trying to nurture something that was already clearly well fed. It was a huge moment for me as an adulting adult to accept my emotions and my role in the hurt.
After rebuilding my emotional structure It was time for “the boys trip”. Of the four major memories of this past summer, the boys trip was majorly the only positive one. Spending the weekend with four of my favorite friends at Hedonism was bound to be a fantastic time. The trip started out being about dividing to conquer the tricky balance of work and play but fast turned into to being all about connecting and coming together. Maybe it was the consistent throwing back of patron shots on the hour or the bare-it-all nature of the hotel, but one way or the other the connection was undeniable. I will forever treasure those days with my boys as a time when I can truly say my heart was full to the brim. No sooner was that declared than I shamefully fell flat on my face breaking my central and lateral insciors in a million pieces. Oy vey, honestly its either as bad or worse than it sounds. All things considered this was my most serious health scare to date. I’ve never been admitted to the hospital, never had a single stitch or a serious injection. The most serious health procedure I’ve ever had to endure was pulling teeth as a kid. But, I’m a strong person… remember. I truly could not and did not let that albeit serious incident define our trip. My takeaway was one of deep strength, resilience and rooted confidence.
Silly of me to think that temporally ‘losing’ my million dollar smile was the worst thing that would happen to me this year. Nothing at all could have prepared me for what happened next. After breaking two teeth then pulling and installing a flipper tooth I fought through the pain and discomfort to throw my first LGBTQ+ event; 500 Days Of Summer. Ahh yes, to be young and ambitious. Having a handful of helpful friends, well, helps. But in just a few days after making my own little history, my world imploded. I turned my back for two days and one of my best friends and surely my favorite person was murdered in his home.
Losing Dexter is an extremely painful thing. It’s been less than a month and its all still very fresh and very confusing. I’m not sure how or when I’ll ever get used to living with knowing Dex isn’t just a call away anymore. Christmas Dinners will never be the same. Random weekday bar runs will never be the same. My life has changed forever. It’s hard to look back and not be able to find enough joy to remember a whole season in a positive way. I’m sure there are many lessons here to be learned but quite frankly I’m still a bit too angry and sad to find them. I'm not however without hope. Dexter was an extremely goodness filled and positive person. His honesty inspired the same in everyone he came in contact with. I know how blessed I am to have the memories I do and to have a such a bright light surround me for the rest of my life. With all that I must forge ahead with grace and faith, believing always that life is great and big and full of potential and that if I remain good I may find open fields, fresh air and peace.
Adios Summer 2017.